The wrong side of heaven
by Bavaria78
Summary: Mysterious suicides, haunting memories from the past and a drug, designed for only one purpose. Revenge. A trying experience for MacGyver and Jack, includes a lot of Jack whump. No main character death. WARNING: Contains suicide matters, so probably not suitable for all readers.
1. Chapter 1

AN:

Warning: This story contains suicide matters. So, if you think you're bothered by this, then please don't read it. This is going to be intense.

I do not own MacGyver or the song „Wrong side of heaven".

**The wrong side of heaven, the righteous side of hell… **

**from Five Finger Death Punch**

Chapter 1

Mac climbed the stairs to Jacks apartment, a sixpack of beer in one and a big pizza in the other hand. He rang and waited for Jack to open the door. Mac was really looking forward to a „Die-Hard-evening" with his friend, it has become a rare appearance since Riley and Bozer had joined the team. Jack was pretty sullen the last few days and Mac thought, maybe it would be a good opportunity to find out, what was bothering the Delta.

Jack opened the door and Mac thought, how haggard his friend looked. They haven't been on a mission for two weeks, so Mac was in the lab with Bozer and Jack did training with the tac teams.

„You look tired, everything ok old man?" Mac asked playfully.

„If you would show up in the gym rather than hiding in the lab, I could show you how an old man can kick your ass", Jack replied grumpy.

„Hey, I'm busy in the lab. I'm working on a new kind of kevlar vest."

„Yeah, whatever." Jack didn't sound interested.

Mac plopped onto the couch, while Jack took the pizza to the kitchen counter to cut it. There was a small wooden box on the couch table. Mac knew the box, it was where Jack kept his and his fathers dog tags and the pocket watch of his grandpa. Mac loved the watch and wanted to take a look at it, so he opened the box. On top of the pile lay a pendant, Mac had never seen before. It was a cheap lookin eagle, fastened on a leather string, that was stained with something dark.

„Hey, what'cha doing. Take your hands off my stuff," an angry Jack tore the pendant out of Macs hand, put it back in the box and stored it in the closet.

„I just wanted to have a look at your grandpas watch." Mac answered irritated. He had taken the watch numerous times and Jack never didn't seem to mind, until now it was. „Jack, I'm sorry I didn't want to intrude. What's with that eagle? I've never seen it before." Mac was curious, because in that box were only Jacks treasures. The only things that mattered to his friend.

Jack didn't answer that question. „Are you here to watch Die Hard, or to talk about my stuff?"

Mac held his hands up in defeat: „Ok, bud calm down. I was just wondering. No need to get all fired up about it." Jack nodded his agreement and started the movie.

After the film they sat in silence for a while. „What's up with you Jack? You didn't say a word during the movie. I can feel something is eating at you. Why don't you tell me? Maybe I can help you." Mac offered.

Jack leaned forward, his elbows on his knees, turning his beer in his hand. Then he ran a hand through his short hair. Something that he only did, when distressed. He sighed: „I just don't wanna talk about it, ok? I'm sorry for snapping at you earlier. I can get the watch, if you want to look at it. I know you love it."

„Jack it's not about the watch. I know, you only keep things in that box, that mean a lot to you. I've never seen the eagle before, but it must be important to you, if you keep it with your treasures."

„Drop it Mac! I think It's better, if you leave now." Jack needed to be alone, he couldn't stand Macs inquiring any longer. He regretted his harsch words, as soon as he saw the hurt look on Macs face. He reached out a hand and rubbed the blondes shoulder. „Hey, that's nothing got to do with you. I appreciate your offer, I'm just having a bad day kiddo. Need to think for a while. Are we good bro?"

MacGyver nodded and stood up: „You've always been there for me Jack. I just want you to know, I'm there for you, too. So, if you're ready to talk, I'm ready to listen." Jack also stood up and gave his young friend a hug. He held him for a few minutes. As to comfort himself or Mac, he couldn't tell.

After Mac had left, Jack took a full bottle of whiskey out of the liquor cabinet and sat down on the couch with a heavy sigh. He poured himself a glas and raised it: „Cheers Saif!" He downed it in one gulp and appreciated the burning sensation in his throat. Then he poured another one. Jack wasn't usually a drinker of strong liquor, but he needed something to numb himself. A couple glasses later he felt the effect of the alcohol. An hour later the bottle was almost gone. Jack had downed glas after glas, but it didn't wash down the bitter taste of guilt, he always felt on this special day. Usually he went away on this horrible anniversary, but this year, he couldn't get some time off.

Mac was disturbed by Jacks strange behaviour. Disturbed and hurt. They usually could talk about everything. Their shared experience in the sandbox had brought this mutual understanding. Something was eating at Jack. Mac threw away his screwdriver and put away the mixer, he had started to fix. Jack never left him alone, when his feelings were in turmoil. Mac was dead set on doing the same for his friend. He grabbed his keys and left.

Mac rang and had a bad feeling. Then he heard a shuffle and a bang accompanied by an unintelligible curse. Then silence. Mac opened the door with his spare key. He was greeted by Jack sprawled unelegantly on the floor. „Wha'cha doin' ere?" He slurred. Mac rushed to Jacks side and helped him into a sitting position. Then he grabbed Jack under his armpits and lifted him onto the couch. He saw the almost empty bottle of whiskey on the table and asked astounded: „Oh god Jack, did you drink the entire bottle of whiskey?"

„Nope, ´s still a gulp left," he moved to grab the bottle, but Mac snatched it from his hands. „Oh no, I think you had more than enough buddy. What's wrong Jack? You never drink so much from the hard stuff. Please tell me!" He pleaded.

„Jus wanted to f'get," he slurred. „Forget what?"

„Din't have choice," Jack swayed and let himself fall back into the cushion.

„Ok, tell me from the beginning," ordered Mac.

„I don feel so gooood." Mac had seen Jack go green and had already grabbed a trash bin and held it under his head. Jack vomitted violently, Mac rubbed his back gently until he was done. He was extremely worried about his friend, he had never seen Jack in such a sorry state. He got a wet towel and washed Jacks face with it. „Thanks bro, ´m sorry."

„You don't have to be sorry Jack, I'll help you to the bathroom and then we get you into bed." Mac knew, he wouldn't have a reasonable conversation with Jack this night. He grabbed Jack under the armpits and helped him to stand. The Delta swayed and couldn't find his balance, so Mac lay one of Jacks arms around his shoulder and grabbed him around the waist with the other. He had to literally drag Jack into the bathroom. Once there Jack puked again, he sank to the floor beside the toilet, a picture of pure misery. Mac washed his face again. „Oh, Jack what have you done to yourself?"

„I des've this an much more," he started to cry. He closed his eyes, unable to face MacGyver and leaned his head back against the wall, the tears running down his face.

Mac was scared, this was so unlike Jack. They had helped each other in the sandbox, when the nightmares got to bad. They woke each other, when one of them was trapped in the horrors they had seen. But this was so much worse. Mac wasn't sure, what had triggered this. Probably none of their missions lately. They weren't that bad to cause this. Not even Cairo was that bad. It must be something from the past, that had made Jack loose it completely. But what? Jack didn't talk much about his Delta time or his time in the army, before they met in the sandbox.

Jack was still crying. Mac said down beside him and pulled Jack close. He just held his friend and muttered softly in his ear: „Sh, it's gonna be alright, buddy." He couldn't stop his own tears from falling. His heart broke for his friend. After a while Jack had calmed down somewhat and Mac almost had to carry him to the bedroom. The moving caused Jack stomach to protest again and he threw up again. Mac handed it him a bottle. „Just swish it around, don't swallow it." He advised.

Jack did as he was told and almost dropped the bottle. Mac was really concerned about the amount of strong liquor Jack had drunk. He could have suffered alcohol poisoning. He rather would take him to Phoenix Medical, but knew, that Jack wouldn't have any of it, and he wanted to spare his friend the embarrassment. Mac would watch him with eagle eyes to make sure, he was alright.

„Ok, lie down big guy, I'm not leaving you, ok." He rolled Jack onto his side, in case he got sick again.

„Thank you Mac, I … I just … couldn't …." Jack whispered as his eyes closed. Mac sighed and put an empty bucket within easy reach for Jack. Then went to clean up the mess. As he came back to the bedroom Jack was snoring loudly. Mac made himself comfortable in the recliner beside the bed. Jack would have the hangover of the century the next day. Definitely not something he was looking forward to. Throughout the night, Jack threw up four more times, although there was nothing left, the heaving wouldn't stop. The desperate attempt from his body to get rid of the poisonous amount of alcohol. Jack was pretty much out of it the whole time. In the early morning Mac was exhausted, Jack hadn't thrown up for over an hour, so he assumed, that the worst was over. He allowed his body to relax and fell asleep in the chair. Mac awoke to the sound of groaning, he rubbed his eyes and sat up straight. Jack was coming to, and by the sound of it, it wasn't pleasant.

„Hey big guy. Time to wake up." Mac touched Jacks arm and rubbed it gently. The Deltas eyes opened a split. Another groan and they were shut again. A few seconds later the next attempt followed and this time Jack was able to keep his eyes open. He looked confused and in pain.

„What happened?"

„You crept into a bottle of whiskey last night. You were pretty much out of it. Threw up the whole night and scared the shit out of me." Mac was pretty blunt.

„Oh, yeah, I remember. Well, kind of." The memory came back. Saif. Jack closed his eyes to hide the guilt and shame, he knew Mac would notice. When he thought, he could mask his feelings, he opened his eyes again and winced at the sharp pain, that shot through his skull.

„How's the head?"

„Like Metallica is having a concern in there and my mouth feels like some animal has died in there."

Mac nodded sympathetic. „No wonder. You wanna try to sit up?"

„Not really, but Matty will have my hide, if I don't show up for work." Jack carefully rolled over and Mac pulled him into a sitting positon. Jack went a shade paler, if that was even possible, but managed to keep control of his stomach.

„Deep breaths Jack, slow and easy."

After a minute or two Jack looked up to Mac. „I don't deserve a friend like you. Thanks for taking care of me bud."

Mac shook his head: „I've lost count of the times you took care of me, Jack. So let me help you in return, for a change." He held out a hand. „Ready?"

Jack nodded and regretted it instantly. „Mhm."

„I take this as a yes." Mac took Jacks elbow, as the oler man rose to his feet. Jack was swaying, but after a moment he found his legs. Mac didn't let got of his elbow anyway and led him to the bathroom. „I'll go make some coffee. Are you alright for a moment?"

„Yeah, sure."

Mac went to the kitchen and made some strong coffee. Although none of them was a passionate coffee drinker, they both needed it today. He heard the shower and was relieved, that Jack was ok, apart from his hangover. Physically ok, he added in his mind. Mac couldn't stop wondering, what the cause for the drinking session of his friend was.

Jack winced as he saw his image in the bathroom mirror. „Great, I look like roadkill," he muttered. He brushed his teeth. It felt good to get rid of the nasty taste in his mouth. He undressed and stepped into the shower to wash the sweat and smell from his body. „If only I could wash away the memories in the same way," he thought.

Jack looked better, when he entered the kitchen twenty minutes later.

„Hey brother, you almost look like a human again." Mac said more cheerful than he felt. He put the coffee, a glas of water and some pain pills in front of Jack.

„Worst hangover I've had in a long time," Jack commented and sat down on the kitchen counter.

„Care to tell me, what brought this on?"

„No, just let's forget about it, ok?" Jack answered curtly.

„Jack, I've never seen you …"

„I said forget about it, Mac. I'm glad you stayed with me last night, but I won't discuss with you that matter. Is that clear?" Jack interrupted angrily. He sighed and continued in a softer voice: „I know, you just want to help me there buddy, but it was just a one-time issue, ok? Nothing to worry about. I'm fine now. Let's go to work."

Mac tried not to show that Jacks words had stung. „I'm driving, I don't think you are sober enough."

„No objection from me. Let's grab some donuts on the way to Phoenix, I'm starving." He sounded just like the old Jack. Mac would have to drop the matter, for now.

Please let me know what you think!


	2. Chapter 2

AN:

Chapter 2

It was one of the longest days at Phoenix. Or so it seemed to Jack. The hangover was bad and the teasing of his team didn't help it one bit. He spent his day at the gym, mostly observing the training progress of the newest members of the tac team. Jack was a hard task master, but he knew from experience, that this was nothing compared to the things, that happened in the field. He put his guys through the drills again and again, umtil he was satisfied with their performance. He praised two guys for their good work. He knew, that would motivate the others to do better tomorrow. Jack didn't join the hand-to-hand combat, normally he would do that, to stay in shape, but today he assigned the task to his second-in-command. By mid afternoon he felt almost like his old self again.

Jack joined the others in the cafeteria as they neared quitting time. „Did you enjoy your day at the gym?" Bozer couldn't resist teasing Jack a bit.

Jack grinned: „It was great! Nothing better than shooing guys around, until they are crying for their mommy."

„You're a dictator. I pity these guys." Bozer shuddered.

„I love these guys, they're great. And because of that, I'm really hard on them. I want them to be prepared as much as possible. I won't do them a favour, if I pamper them and then they're not able to survive in the field. I'd rather have them hating me, than to tell their families, they didn't make it back from a misssion." Everybody could hear how serious Jack took the responsibility for his guys.

„They are lucky, they can learn from the best." Mac stated.

„Thanks brother," Jack shot him a grateful look. „Just because I care of you three young guns too, I expect all of you tomorrow bright and early in the gym." He said with a smile.

„Oh no. I still have the bruises from last time," groaned Riley and Bozer just looked frightened. Maybe it wasn't his best idea to tease Jack about his hangover. Tomorrow would be payback time for sure.

„Hey, I really don't look forward to it either, but Jack is right. We have to stay in shape and hone our fighting skills." Mac jumped to Jacks defence.

Bozer rose: „I have a peace-offering for you Jack. I'll cook dinner tonight and you promise not to kill me tomorrow. Do we have a deal?"

Jack held out a hand grinning: „Deal. But I wouldn't have killed you anyway, because I'm afraid of your mum." They all laughed and left the Phoenix building.

On their way to the parking lot Jacks cell rang and he took the call. „Hey Trisha, long time no hear!"

Jack stopped dead in his tracks, as were his friends.

„No, no, tell me that's not true. It can't be. Not him. Oh god Trisha, I'm so sorry. I'll be there, I promise." His voice broke and he ended the call.

They all knew, that something bad must have happened. Jacks composure told a story of its own. He stood there, seeing nothing and starting to sway.

„Jack? Jack are you alright?" Mac could slap himself for this stupid question. Clearly Jack was not alright.

Mac took him by the elbow. In this moment Jacks knees buckled and Mac grabbed him to slow his fall. Bozer was by his side in a second and together they dragged Jack to a nearby bench, where they carefully sat him down. Mac crouched in front of him and tried to shake Jack out of his daze.

„Jack, can you hear me? Jack?" Mac shook him a little harder. That brought Jack back to them. He looked at Mac with tears in his eyes, eyes that were full of sadness and grief.

„It's Jim," he whispered. „He's dead."

They all knew Jim from Jacks stories from his time with the Delta Force. Not that Jack told them a lot of this part of his life. But he always mentioned Jim. His best friend at the time.

Mac dropped his head and lay a hand on Jacks shoulder. „Oh god. I'm so sorry for you Jack. I know he was your friend. What happened?"

Jack had to swallow several times. It couldn't be true. He wouldn't do that. Not Jim. „Jack? Jack are you with me?" Mac was getting concerned about the lack of awareness of Jack. Riley handed him a bottle of water. He opened it and pressed it into Jacks hand. It sat there unnoticed until Mac led it gently to Jacks mouth, he swallowed automatically. A moment later he seemed to come back to them. „He …. he … oh god I can't believe it! Jimbo! Why did you do this?" Jack jumped up and turned from them and vomitted. They all stood and watched in stunned silence. A dark suspicion crept into Macs mind. He walked over to Jack and rubbed his back. „He comitted suicide, didn't he?"

Jack just nodded an threw himself into Macs arms. Mac held his friend and could feel the tremors that run through the older mans body. Bozer and Riley stepped closer and lay an arm on Jacks back to offer silent comfort. After what seemed to be an eternity, Jack had calmed somewhat and Mac led him back to the bench. Jack took another drink of water and looked at him with red rimmed eyes.

„He shot himself this morning," he whispered and lowered his gaze.

„I have no words Jack. This is horrible. We are here for you, all of us." Mac stated. Riley sat down beside Jack and lay her am around his shoulder. „You won't have to do this alone." She offered.

Bozer added: „We are a family. We'll help you through this, bro."

They managed to get Jack into Macs Jeep. Mac drove home to his apartment. He watched his friend as much as possible. He had never seen Jack so crushed. They had lost friends and team members in Afghanistan, but it never had devastated him in such a manner. But this was suicide, he reminded himself. While they were in war, they faced death each day. Always conscious about the fact, that it could all be over in a split second. They knew their enemy, knew for what kind of danger to look out. Always prepared to fight, to run, to do whatever was neccessary to survive. But how do you prepare for something like this? Fight the suicide from a friend or family member? The answer was simple. You can't. Mac shuddered. He looked over to Jack again. His gaze was unfocused, he sat there so still. So completely different from the vibrant, always talking Jack they loved.

Mac pulled into the driveway and parked the Jeep. He walked to the passengers side and opened the door. „Jack, we're home." No response. He lay a hand on Jacks shoulder and repeated: „Jack?" This time he got through. „Come on big guy. Let's get you inside." He gently pulled on Jacks arm to make him leave the car. Jack followed Mac like a robot on autopilot.

Mac opened the door and steered Jack over to the couch. The Delta sat down and suddenly seemed to snap out of his stupor. He looked around surprised to find himself in Macs living room. He didn't remember how he had gotten there. The only thing he remembered …. Jim … oh Jimbo … boy, what have you done? Jack shook his head, this must be a nightmare. It couldn't be true. He looked up and saw that Macs lip were moving, but he hadn't heard anything. Jack tried to focus.

„… to drink and you lay down here for a while. Bozer and Riley will soon be here."

Jack just nodded. He felt numb. He had talked to Jim last week, everything seemed fine. Jack leaned back and closed his eyes. Exhaustion got the better of him and he was a sleep in minutes.

Bozer and Riley arrived a short time later. The three of them went out on the deck, not to disturb Jack.

„That's horrible. I can't imagine how Jack must feel. I've never had to deal with suicide." Bozer sighed.

„Me neither. God, he spoke to him last week or so. Jack mentioned, they wanted to visit a Cowboys game together." Riley couldn't stop a tear from escaping.

Mac run a hand through his hair. „The funerals going to be really hard on Jack, I'll go with him."

The others nodded their agreement. „We too." Bozer spoke for both of them.

„We'll let him sleep, he had a rough night yesterday and now this." Mac felt the exhaustion in his bones. „I didn't get much sleep last night either, so I grab a few winks in the recliner, if you don't mind."

„No, go ahead. I'll make his favourite dish. Maybe we can get him to eat something later."

„I'll help you," Riley offered.

Two hours later Jake awoke to the clatter of dishes. He was momentarily confused, why he was sleeping on Macs couch. He looked over and saw Mac sleeping in the chair beside him. Then all came back in a rush. Jim. Shot himself. Why? WHY? Jack sighed and stood up, he nodded to Bozer and Riley and made his way to the bathroom. He splashed cold water in his face and looked into the mirror. He turned away not liking, what he saw. Haunted, sad, desperate. He took a deep breath. Pull yourself together Dalton! His friends didn't need to worry about him, their job was stressfull enough.

Jack took a deep breath and tried to compose himself. Then he went back to the living room, where Bozer had dinner ready. Riley woke up Mac, who stretched like a cat. Jack had to smile a little. In this room was his familiy, the most important thing in his life. His smile vanished. Jim had a family too. A wonderful wife and two brothers.

Mac sat down beside Jack, who only stared at his food. He wanted to talk to Jack, but decided to wait until dinner was over. Jack had eaten almost nothing all day and Mac didn't want to spoil his appetite. The meal was a silent affair. Nobody would start a conversation. Finally Riley asked Bozer about a project, they were working on together. Jack sat there his head low, pushing his food around his plate, so that it would appear, he had eaten something, although he couldn't force down one bite. After dinner Riley and Bozer cleaned up the kitchen. Jack went out on the deck. Mac followed him and handed him a beer. Jack slumped on one of the chairs, Mac took the one beside him. „I know it's a stupid question to ask, but how do you feel?"

Jack looked at him. The pain let his brown eyes appear almost black. He sighed. „Honestly, I don't know. Physically I feel better. But …" He swallowed hard. „How could he do this? I don't believe it. There must be another explanation! This wasn't his free will, he wouldn't …."

Mac interrupted him gently: „I know this is unbelievable hard to understand, but you don't know what happens in somebodys mind. Sometimes we think, we know somebody, but then he does something, you never …"

„No! You don't know him. How can you be so bold to …. to …. justify this?" Jack rose, anger radiating from him like a fever: „I just tell you once. This was not his conscious decision. I'm sure. I know Jimbo."

„Jack, don't do this to you." Mac tried to soothe him.

Jack turned around and threw his beer against the wall with brutal force. The bottle shattered into thousand pieces. Riley and Bozer ran out to see, what was going on.

„What? Do you want to tell me the same as Mac? That sometimes people just put a bullet in their brain? That was not what happened to Jim! And no one can make me believe this!"

Mac and Bozer looked at each other at a loss for words.

Riley made a step towards Jack. „Tell me about him. I only met him once and I'd like to know more about him." She lay a hand on Jacks arm and guided him back to the chair. Riley sat down on the deck and took his hand.

Jack sighed and ran a hand through his hair. „I'm sorry, I know you just want to help me. But if you would have known him, you'd understand. Jim was with me in the Delta Force. I've never met a friendlier and more content guy as him. His glas was always half full. He never gave up. He loved the team and our comradeship. We went through some dark times together. It was not a picnic. But Jim was the one of the whole bunch to be completely open about his fears and feelings. It irritated me at first until I saw, what a gift that was. Not only for him, for all of us. Sharing his thoughts, his nightmares and his insecurities helped all of us get through Delta Force, because we knew, we weren't alone. So, do you understand what I want to say? Jim could always talk about, what was bothering him. He made us talk about our fears, too. It earned him the nickname priest. There is no way he would blow his brains out. No way."

Mac nodded. „I think I get what you mean. When is the funeral?"

„Tomorrow afternoon" Jack leaned back and closed his eyes. They sat there in silence for a long time.

Bozer went inside to make a phone call. A short time later, he joined the others again. „I just spoke to Matty, she gives us off tomorrow. Jack, she said you should take the time you need."

„Thanks Bozer, I think I'm going home now." Jack answered sadly.

„Oh no, big guy. You're staying here, the spare bedroom is ready. It's more your room, than a spare bedroom anyway." Mac insisted.

Jack nodded. „Night."

After he was gone the others shared their thoughts about this whole mess.

„I hope, he doesn't become obsessed with this matter." Bozer spoke out loud, what they were thinking.

„I know. All we can do, is be there for him. This is going to be a hard day tomorrow." Mac sighed and left the deck.

Please review!


	3. Chapter 3

AN:

I know it's a rough ride. Thanks for staying with me. Reviews would be great.

Chapter 3

The next morning they sat around the breakfast table. Nobody touched the food, only coffee was appreciated. Conversation was non existant. Everybody knew the uncomfortable feeling on a day like this, when you had to attend a funeral. It never got any easier. Jack looked like hell. He had dark shadows under his eyes and was very pale.

After breakfast Jack asked Mac to drive him home. Mac grabbed his bag with the clothes, he would wear at the funeral. They would meet the others at Trishas house.

Jack was silent on the ride to his apartment. Mac was worried how his friend would get through the day. He still wondered about the evening, when Jack was shitfaced. But he wouldn't confront Jack with that again, this was not the time, so he shoved it on the back burner for now.

As soon as they entered the condo, Jack disappeared into the bathroom. He showered for almost an hour and Mac began to get anxious, what Jack took so long. Finally he came back to the living room. He had changed into his black suit, his eyes were red rimmed. He clearly had been crying. Macs heart was breaking for his friend. He went over to him and gave him a hug. They stayed in this way for several minutes without saying anything just seeking comfort from each other. Jack started to mumble: „Why? Just tell me why?" Mac rubbed his back gently and said softly: „A person who commits suicide dies once, the ones who remain behind die a thousand times, wondering why." It took some time until the sobs stopped, but finally Jack was able to get a hold on his emotions.

„You ready to go?" Jack just nodded.

The funeral was moving. The reverend had been a friend of Jim, too and everybody could tell, it was really hard on him. Despite his own grief, he found the right words to honour Jim and his likeable personality. After the service was over, Trisha, Jims brothers and Jack and his team met at Trishas house.

The first moments were awkward. Jims brother Matt led them into the living room, where they sat down at a huge table. Jack was still standing, Trisha came in after him and lay a hand on his shoulder. Jack turned around and hugged her. She cried: „Oh god Jack. Why did this have to happen to him? I just don't get it."

The Phoenix team looked at each other. It almost sounded, as Trisha shared Jacks opinion about the suicide.

Jack held her tightly and cried with her over the loss of someone as precious as Jim was. After a few minutes they calmed down somewhat and sat down.

Jack cleared his throat: „I know this is hard, but can you tell me what happened, what caused this?"

Trisha nodded. „It wasn't a suicide Jack. I mean, I was there …. in the garage …. when ….oh god …I „

Jack took her hand: „It's ok Trisha, you don't have to do this."

She shook her head: „No, Jack I have to. You have to understand …you know him ….knew him. He wouldn't do something like this. He was gone for two days, I didn't know until my neighbour told me. I was visiting a friend last weekend. I came back and he was behaving really strange, he was nervous, looked haunted. I can't describe it any better. He went to the garage, I followed him and he had his gun …" Trisha couldn't continue as sobs shook her. As she regained her composure, she continued: „They said he had a drug in his bloodstream. Jack you knew him, there's no way, he would have taken drugs."

Jack nodded: „I knew, he wouldn't do something like that. I promise, I'll find out what is behind this, Trisha."

The team left the house. They paused on the sidewalk. „Guys, I know you think I'm chasing ghosts, but I have to do this. I have to find answers. I owe it Jim."

Mac said: „It's ok Jack. We're all with you. Where do you want to start?"

„Let's get back to Phoenix. I need Matty to do me a favour and use our resources." Jack was determined.

They met Matty in front of the war room. She motioned for the others to go in, but stopped Jack. She sqeezed Jacks hand and asked him: „How are you Jack?"

Jack looked at her with a pained expression. „It's so hard Matty." He hung his head. She pulled on his sleeve and opened her arms. Jack understood and dropped to his knees to embrace her in a hug. „I'll do everything I can Jack. You have my support, whatever you need to do. I won't let you down. I promise." She whispered and gave him a kiss on his cheek. Jack smiled weakly. „It's good to have someone as strong as you are behind me. You are a great woman Mathilda." He stood up and walked into the war room. The others didn't see the exchange between them, because the windows had already been blinded.

Matty entered the room and was all business. She ordered: „Riley we need the report from the coroner."

„Give me a minute Matty."

Soon the desired documents appeared on the screen. „What's this drug, I can't even pronounce the word." Jack frowned.

Mac took over: „These are the names of the ingredients. It seems, it is a mix of parts of several drugs. I recognize fragments of LSD, THC, Xanax, MDMA and cocain."

„What? This is a fuckin drug cocktail?" Jack stormed.

„Not exactly, it's not that the drugs were just mixed together. The person, who created this, took parts of the formula of one drug and combined it with parts of other drugs. The result is a completely new drug. Nothing I've seen so far and probably unpredictable in its effects."

There was silence in the room.

„Where the hell came that from?" Jack asked.

Matty had an idea. „Riley search the coroners database of the whole US for this drug."

A few minutes later. „I've got it."

They looked at the screen, shocked. Riley explained the results: „Five. There were five other suicides, where the drug was detected in the victims blood. All in different states. That's probably, why they weren't related to each other."

Jack spotted the common thing at once: „They were all military. Navy Seal, SAD, STO, 2 Marines and Jim, a Delta. Someones out there to kill the men, that are protecting our country. I can't wait until I get my hands on that bastard." He stormed.

Mac stated: „Looks like we have a serial killer. Any other things they have in common or any hint to a possible perpetrator?"

Riley scrolled through their records. „Nothing that I see immediately, but this takes time to analyze."

Jack was pacing the room, lost in thoughts. Suddenly his head snapped up. „Riley can you check, where Jims cell was registered the last time?"

„Yes, it was 60 miles out of LA. I'll show you the map."

„It's in the woods. There's a lake and some cabins. Was he on a fishing trip?" Bozer wondered.

Jack snorted: „He hated fish. That's the perfect spot to drug someone."

Matty was in charge: „He's probably long gone, but I want you, Jack and Mac, to check it anyway. Maybe we'll find something, that leads us to him. Riley and Bozer, I want you to check the files of our victims for similarities."

Mac offered to drive, but Jack denied. The first miles nobody said anything. Mac cleared his throat: „Jack, I want to apologize."

„For what?"

„For not believing you at first. I thought, it was just wishful thinking on your part. I'm sorry."

„You have nothing to be sorry for, Mac. If I hadn't known Jim so well, I probably would have thought the same."

„So, were good?"

„We've always been good. Sorry, for losing my temper yesterday."

„It's ok Jack. I understand."

„Thanks buddy. Let's find this bastard and make him pay." Jack said with grim determination.

Two hours later they reached their destination. „Let's search the cabins nearest the lake first, then we can widen the circle." Jack always made the tactical decisions.

There weren't that many cabins, twelve in total. There were some families staying at the cabins near the lake. They ruled them out. There was one cabin, way deeper in the woods. That was the last one on their list. It wasn't visible from the lake, but they knew it was there, because of the satellite shot from Riley.

Jack and Mac approached the cabin carefully. They parted and moved closer. Mac waited behind a tree for Jacks signal. He heard a slight noise behind him and turned. Something heavy slammed into his temple and he knew no more.

Jack had lost sight of Mac due to the huge trees. He had almost reached the porch as a man appeared on the other side of the house. He dragged an unconscious Mac with him. Jack had his gun drawn, but couldn't get of a clean shot, because Mac was already coming to and moving a bit. The risk of hitting his friend was too big.

„Drop your gun or the cutie won't be so cute any longer." The man snarled.

Jack didn't move. The other man cocked the gun and Jack obeyed.

„Into the cabin." Jack slowly entered the little house. The other man followed with Mac stumbling before him. He kept his distance, so Jack couldn't reach him without putting Mac in danger.

The cabin was empty, apart from a table and a two wooden chairs. On one were heavy metal cuffs attached. The man pointed to it. „Sit down and close the cuff on one hand." Jack complied.

The man shoved Mac roughly to the floor and pointed the gun on him. „Close the other cuff, then move over to the wall."

Mac rose to his knees and looked into Jacks face, his eyes not focussing completely. Blood was trickling down his temple. „I'm sorry I didn't see him coming, Jack."

„It's ok Mac. We'll get out of here. How's your head?"

„Shut up!" He booted Mac in the back, he fell forward, but could brace himself on his hands.

A shot rang out and Jack closed his eyes for a moment. Fear for Mac overwhelmed him. He heard the splinter of wood and opened his eyes.

„The next shot won't miss cutie, so you better close the cuff and move over."

Mac did as he was told. He sat down and took a deep breath. His head and his back hurt, but it could have been worse. He felt the blood running down his face. The man threw some handcuffs at him and ordered him to put it on. He took some rope and looped it through the cuffs and fastened it on a hook in the wall.

The man studied his prisoners. „You look like a pen-pusher cutie, but you" he turned to Jack „you look like army or something like that, am I right?"

„Delta Force" Jack didn't see any use in denying. They had found Jims murderer.

The man grinned. „Very nice. My last guest here, was also a Delta."

„Why? What did he do to you, why did you make him kill himself? Is this some kind of a sick game?"

„A game? No, I'm just taking some revenge for my son. A Special Forces Team cornered him, they scared him so much, he saw no other way out. So he killed himself. And now I return the favour. I make them kill themselves. You're lucky cutie, you are no military, so I'll let you live. You can admire, what kind of drug I've created. It's brilliant. At first, there is just pain. Unbearable pain, dizziness, nausea all the things that make you miserable. They are followed by depression, so crushing, that they are grateful, when you give them a gun to blow their brains out. Congratulations, you've got a first row seat in this drama."

„You're sick! I'm gonna enjoy it, when I kill you, you sick bastard." Jack snarled.

Mac sat there eyes wide with fear. Now they knew exactly, what had happened to Jim and the others. He had to get them out of here, quickly. His eyes scanned the room for something he could use.

Meanwhile Bozer and Riley were busy reading the files of the victims. Even Matty had joined them, which was quite unusual. „For Jack," she simply said and they could hear the affection she held for her best soldier.

„Let's start with the first victim. Former Navy Seal, was working in a Police Tac Team last." Matty scrolled through the file, and stopped suddenly. „Maybe that could be something," she muttered.

The others looked up from their files. „What is it?" Bozer asked anxiously.

„Well, there was an incident last year, that's a bit strange. The team was ordered to dig out a drug lab. They surrounded the building and the young man in the lab comitted suicide, as soon as he realized, that he was cornered. The father a Bertram Miller accused the Tac Team to be responsible for his sons suicide."

„Riley find out everything about Bertram Miller, hurry." Matty paced the war room like a caged animal.

„Ok, I've got it. Bertram Miller, 54, a chemist who lost his job after his son died. His wife died at childbirth, he raised his son Peter alone. He … oh my god … he owns a cabin east of LA. That's our man, Matty."

„Ok, call Mac and Jack. We don't know, if he's still around. They have to be extra careful."

„They are not answering. I'll locate them. They are at the cabin, definitely."

„I'll send the Tac Team. They'll leave in ten."

In the cabin Bertram Miller prepared a syringe with a clear liquid. He stepped beside Jack, wo began to struggle. It was in vain, because the chair was secured to the floor and the cuffs wouldn't give an inch.

Mac tried to intervene, because he knew, he couldn't get free in time to prevent the injection.

„Please, don't do this to him. He has already lost his friend. You've had your revenge. You son isn't going to come back. What's the use in causing more sorrow and grief? So, please don't do it."

Miller just laughed and in one swift movement stabbed the syringe into Jacks arm and administered the drug. He stepped back, a content smile on his face.

„It won't be long until the show begins," he promised. Suddenly they heard a helicopter that was nearing.

„It's over asshole. That's my Tac Team and they will end you." Jack snarled.

Miller rushed out of the door. A few minutes later they heard a single shot.

„Coward!" Jack hissed. The pains were starting. Mac managed to pull an old nail out of the wall and opened his cuffs with it. He rushed over to Jack and opened the cuffs on his friend in the same fashion.

Jack fell forward into Macs arms. He groaned in pain. „Whoa, easy brother. I got you. Take deep breaths. The team will be here soon, then we'll take you to Phoenix Medical right away." Mac sat on the floor with Jack in his arms and rubbed his back to ease the pain.

„Hurts so bad," Jack whispered. He closed his eyes. He had never experienced such consuming pain. Sure, he had his fare share of injuries, was banged up from head to toe. But that was nothing in comparison to this. He hurt everywhere. His head felt like it would simply explode any moment. His arms and legs felt like someone was trying to pull them out. His midsection was a pool of pure agony. Jacks back arched and he let out a scream, that would forever be branded into Macs mind.

The Tac Team was about to enter the cabin, as they heard the scream. They all froze. Then they burst into the cabin in trained fashion.

Mac looked up at them with tears in his eyes. „We have to get him to Phoenix Medical now!"

Jack couldn't suppress another scream and suddenly went limp.

„Let's get a move." Mac explained about Miller and four men were sent out to get him. They were to be collected later.

Due to the thick forrest, they had to carry Jack about half a mile until they reached the helicopter.

Jack woke up an threw up. Mac was frantic. All the symptoms Miller described, were surfacing. But the good ting was, they knew what they had to deal with.

The medical team was waiting on the roof of the Phoenix building. Jacks face was contorted in pain. The cords on his neck standing out in stark contrast. He screamed and the Doctors and nurses looked at each other in astonishment. They had tended to a lot of Jacks injuries and they know his pain tolerance was really high. Another scream and Jacks head fell to the side, unconscious again.

Mac didn't leave Jacks side during the heli ride. Jack pressed his hand so hard, it would leave dark bruises. As the medical team moved Jack into the building, he was right behind them. Matty, Riley and Bozer were already waiting outside the ER. Jack was moaning and tossing on the gurney, as they pushed him in. Mac took a minute to update his team on the effect of the drugs, Miller had revealed. There was a loud crash from inside the room and the all ran in. Jack was standing on one side of the room. He had a haunted look on his face and Mac feared, that the depressions were already showing.

„What's going on?" Mac asked, moving slowly in Jacks direction.

„We were just taking his vitals. He needs to calm down, his heartrate is dangerously high." The doc explained.

„Jack, easy big guy. You have to let them help you. They mean no harm, buddy." Mac tried to soothe him and took another step.

Tears were running down Jacks face. „No! I don't deserve this, I'm not worth the effort. Just let me be please."

Mac took another step: „Jack, this is just the damn drug, that scumbag gave you. Don't let him win. You will lie down now and let the doctors do their work, ok?"

„Stop Mac, I don't want to hurt you. I don't need help, I don't want it." Why couldn't they leave him alone. Jacks world came crashing down on him. All the deaths he had caused, the pain he had inflicted on other people. The countless times he had let the others down. Riley and especially Mac, time after time again. How could they not hate him? And then a face appeared in his mind. Saif. Way too young to die. Jack looked around searching for something. Mac took another step, he was almost in reach of Jack. What happened next would forever be branded in the soul of every person in this room. Jack grabbed a glas of a table in the corner and smashed it. He held a large shard in his hand and quickly cut the artery on his wrist. Blood spurted forth in an arch. They all were frozen for a moment. Mac was the first who recovered. He launched himself forward with a sream. „No, Jack no!"

Please review!


	4. Chapter 4

AN:

Warning: Contains some graphic scenes.

Sadly my motorcycle trip to the Dolomites was cut short, because the bike broke down the second day into the journey. We had to bring it back home on a trailer. Oh, that really sucks. But it's your luck, so here's the next chapter. Enjoy and let me know, what you think.

Chapter 4

Jack stood there with a content expression on his face, he seemed relieved, as he looked at his wrist, where his life was pumping out. „Sorry Mac," he muttered and fainted.

Mac pressed his hands on the wound, he was already covered in blood. Only seconds later the whole room looked like an animal had been butchered in there. The doctor knelt by his side and screamed orders at the nurses. He quickly fashioned a torniquet and was able to slow the bleeding pretty soon. „Let's get him on the bed." He ordered blood bottles and an IV. Jack was attached to monitors, which started blaring out the fact, that Jacks body was fighting for survival. The team was shoved out of the room as they worked on Jack furiously. Meds were administered and the doc listened to his heart, everone was busy to save the life of one of their favourite agents.

Mac was pushed into a seat out in the hall. Matty took his face in her hands. Her lips were moving, but nothing registered in Macs mind. He tried to focus on her voice.

„… pull through. We won't let him die. Mac? Mac can you hear me?"

Mac nodded. „Did this really just happen?" He whispered, hoping he had imagined the scene. He looked down. He was covered in blood. So much blood. Jacks blood. He noticed the coppery smell. Mac jumped up and turned to the nearest trash bin and vomitted violently. It took some time until the heaving stopped. Bozer was there and guided him back to the chair. Riley handed him a bottle of water, tears were running down her face, she was to shocked to talk. They all were shaken to the core. Witnessing a suicide attempt from their friend would haunt them all for a long time. Matty was concerned about Jack. She had known him for almost twenty years and although she seemed annoyed at him a lot of the time, she really had a soft spot for the Delta. But she was also concerned for the rest of the team. Matty was well aware of Macs tendency to blame himself. She cleared her throat from the lump, that has formed and took charge. „Ok, guys, we'll deal with that. We won't give him the chance to pull something like this again. I want one of us with him all the time. That was not Jacks conscious decision, we all know that. It was the damn drug, that asshole gave him. He's lucky, he's dead or I would have killed him myself."

The others looked up, surprised. Matty seldom showed her emotional side and this was an indication, how much she really cared about Jack. It somehow comforted them in a small way. Bozer took Mac by the elbow and led him away to get changed. Mac did let it happen without veto. A few minutes later they were back. Nobody said a word.

The door to the ER opened and the Doctor stepped out. „We were able to stabilize him. We can't give him any meds, because we don't know how his body would react. We can't forsee the reaction of the meds with the drug, that is still in his system. He could suffer a heart attack, if we give him something. We just have to wait, until the drug wears off. I'm sorry, all we can do now is watch him and wait."

Mac nodded: „I stay with him." Matty ordered the others to go home and rest, in order to take over for Mac later. Mac entered the room and sat down in the recliner beside the bed. Jack was awfully pale, his face looked totally worn out. He was still unconscious, a look to the monitors assured Mac that his vitals were indeed stable. He took a deep breath and took Jacks limp hand. „Oh Jack, I'm so sorry, I couldn't stop him from giving you the drug. I would give anything to take all the pain away from you. I know it wasn't your free will, to cut your wrist, but it scared the hell out of me." His voice broke and he couldn't stop the tears from escaping. „Oh god, please don't let him die. You have to fight Jack!" He pleaded.

„I'm sorry Mac," came a silent whisper from the bed. Macs head shot up. „Oh Jack, please don't do it again. This is just the drug, we just have to wait until it wears off and you'll be fine." He tried to sound optimistic, but wasn't very successful. He was still to shaken. Jack just stared at him. It was the truth, he was sorry. Sorry for Mac to have to be a witness to the scene. Not sorry for attempting to end his life.

„Please Jack, promise me, that you won't do something like that again. Promise!" Mac begged.

Jack couldn't make the promise, because he had never broken a promise to Mac before. And he knew, he couldn't keep it, if he gave Mac what he desired. Jack didn't know what to say, so he let his eyes roll back and feigned unconsciousness. „Jack? Jack, come on open your eyes." Mac looked frantic at the monitors, still stable, he breathed relieved. Jack had fainted. Maybe that was a good thing. With a little luck Jack was out, until the drug had worn off.

Thirty minutes later Mac had to use the bathroom. He didn't want to leave Jack alone, in case he woke up. He asked the nurse, who was checking the IV to stay with Jack. But a moment later the nurse was called away and left the room.

Jacks eyes shot open. He knew, he had only minutes until either Mac or the nurse would come back. He sat up, blinking until he could focus on his surroundings. Jack ripped the IV and the blood bottle out of his arm, not caring to cover the bleeding wounds. He wobbled out of the ER on shaking legs. Luckily the hall was empty, he hurried to the stairs, an arm on the wall to steady himself. He took the stairs as fast as his condition would allow him and left the building. The weakness he had felt, was pushed aside by adrenaline, that was rushing through his body. He found Macs Jeep and crashed the window. A moment later he raced out of the parking lot. He made a quick stop at home to get a gun.

Jack had one last place to visit, before he could be over with this mess.

Mac walked back into the room and froze. Jacks bed was empty. „Son of a bitch!" The tube from the blood bottle forming an ugly puddle in the middle of the bed. Mac screamed and pushed the alarm on the wall. This caused the building to be shut down. No one could get in or out. Mac ran out of the door in panic and almost bumped into Matty. „Jacks gone, isn't he? I was just informed your Jeep left the parking lot in breakneck speed. Where would he go Mac?"

Mac sat down and ran a hand through his hair. He knew why Jack had left and he couldn't even finish the thought. Panic threatened to overwhelm him. No! He had to calm down, to think clearly. Where would Jack go. He ruled out their apartments. Jack had no family in the area. Wait, his Dad. Jack always visited his Dads grave after every mission. He couldn't think of any other place.

„Matty, I think I know where he went. To his Dads grave. I'll go there alone. Let an ambulance wait out of sight."

„Bring him back Mac." Matty sqeezed his hand.

„I will." Mac left at a run.

Jack sat down before his fathers tombstone. He had sat there numerous times, always telling his Dad how the missions went. He always told him of his achievements as well as his failures. Sometimes Mac would accompany him. Now he was at a loss for words. Tears welled up in his eyes. He angrily brushed them away. „Oh Dad, I've done something horrible. I wanted to tell you, when I came back from Iraq, but I was so ashamed. I know you'll be disappointed …"

A soft voice interrupted him: „Nobody is disappointed in you Jack. You are a hero. Plain and simple."

„A hero? A fuckin hero? You have no idea what you're talking about Mac!" Jack screamed.

„Why don't you tell me Jack?" Mac had to get Jack to open up. Jacks shoulders slumped.

„What kind of an hero would kill a kid?" He whispered. There, the secret was out, finally. Jack sighed. He owed Mac an explanation. It would end here and he didn't want the kid to blame himself. He wanted Mac to know his reasons, maybe he would understand and find his peace after Jack was gone. „Do you remember the other night, I got drunk?"

Mac nodded, a surprised and curious look on his face after Jacks revelation.

„It was the anniversary of Saifs death. It happened, while I was in Iraq. I was the sniper of my team. They cleared a building in a small town. I was on the roof of the opposite building. The rest of my team, five really good men, were combing through the house, where a rebell was assumed hiding. A boy appeared on the scene, he pulled an RPG out of a truck and aimed it at the building, my team was searching. I had to make a decision. The hardest decision in my whole life." Jacks voice broke and so did Macs heart. Jack couldn't look Mac in the eyes, he didn'It want to see the disappointment there. Mac knew, what was coming. He couldn't help, but wonder how Jack had managed to live with it. To be forced to kill a child was probably the worst, that could happen to you.

Mac cleared his throat: „You didn't have a choice, you had to protect your team. You said it: five good men, who protected their country. The kid probably had killed before and he would have killed again, if you hadn't stopped him. You couldn't let your friends become his victims."

Jack jumped to his feet, anger radiating from him. „Victims? Mac this boy was a victim! He should have been in school learning, not been taught how to use an RPG. Saif was a really talented soccer player, he could have been a pro, if I hadn't killed him."

„How do you know that?" Jack remained silent. Then it came to Mac.

„Oh Jack. You searched his background, didn't you? Why did you torture yourself?"

Jack looked at him broken, tears running down his face. „I took his life. I owed it to him, to at least know something about his life. His short life … oh god .. I can't stand it anymore…" he made a grab for the gun in his waistband and raised it to his temple and cocked it. His hands were shaking badly.

Mac screamed: „No, Jack no! This doesn't bring Saif back. Not one of them, we killed. I know how hard it is to live with the guilt. It crushes me from time to time, but we had no choice, it is our duty. And we saved way more lifes by doing our job. Please Jack don't do this! I'll help you through this, I promise. But when you pull the trigger, then you don't kill only yourself. You kill me too, or do you think I can go on without you. I admit, I rely on you much more, than I should. But that's the way it is, and I wouldn't want it any other way. You are the father I've never had, the brother who protects me and the friend, who always listens to my sorrows. So if you want to shoot yourself, then please shoot me first. Shoot me first. Please!" Hot tears of despair were running down his face.

Jack looked at him and he saw, that Mac had spoken the truth. The kid was devastated, desperately reaching out to the one person, who had never left him. He had already lost so much in his young life. Jack knew in this moment, that he couldn't do this to the kid. No matter the price, he had to pay. No matter how hard it was to live with the guilt. He would have to manage. For Mac. For his kid, his brother, his friend.

Jacks hand slumped down, the gun falling to the ground. His knees buckled and he collapsed as the adrenaline left his body. Mac was there in an instant. Slowing his fall and joining him on the ground. They held each other tightly, crying over the loss of a child, the terrors the war had forced them to face.

„I'm sorry Mac. I promise, I won't try again. I promise. I'm sorry." Jack sobbed.

The tension left Jacks body and he went limp. Mac reached up and checked his pulse and found it way to fast for his liking. „I need help here, now." He screamed in panic. Mac feared, that he still could lose Jack. „Stay with me brother. You have to fight, you hear me. Don't give up big guy." Mac tried to rouse Jack, but he was deadly pale and didn't show any kind of reaction. Cold sweat was covering his face and his breathing seemed laboured.

The paramedics, that were waiting nearby, ran over and took care of Jack. They checked his vitals and immediately covered his face with an oxygen mask. They hooked him up to an IV and bandaged his arm, that was still bleeding, where he had ripped out the tubes. Jack was readied for the transport back to Phoenix in a few minutes. The whole time Mac didn't let go of Jacks hand.

Matty had informed Riley and Bozer about Jacks escape and they arrived at Phoenix shortly after the ambulance. „How is he? Did he make another …" Riley couldn't finish her question.

„Mac said, he almost shot himself, but he could talk him out of it." Matty shuddered at the thought, that they almost lost Jack for good, this time. „Thank god." Bozer sighed in relief. „How is he?" He anxious repeated Rileys question.

„They're checking him out. But this trip didn't help his condition, for sure." They could tell, by her body language, how tense she was. Bozer lay a hand on her shoulder. „He'll be fine, Matty. He's the strongest man I know."

Matty smiled: „You are right, Bozer. He's uniqe. You can't help yourself but love him. There's nobody I trust more." She revealed and added. „And if you tell him, I'll kill you."

„Oh, no I won't, I promise." Bozer was quick to respond. Riley smiled.

Mac was impatient. „Why doesn't he wake up?"

The Doctor finished his examination and explained. „He's been through a lot. His body has to make up for the blood loss. Then there are the issues caused by the drug. His heart rate is still way to high. The good thing is, his breathing is a little better. I think the drug is slowly wearing off now."

„But he's gonna be ok, isn't he?" Mac held his breath.

„I'm sorry, but I can't make any promises right now. The other victims of this drug have already comitted suicide at this stage. We don't know if this cocktail of substances wouldn't have killed them anyway. The next few hours will be crucial. All we can do is wait and pray. And we have to make sure, he doesn't try again."

„He won't. We talked about it. He promised not to try again and he has never broken a promise to me. But I won't leave his side again, until I'm 100% sure, he's out of the woods." Mac was determined.

The doc nodded. „Just make sure, you don't forget to take care about yourself Mac." With that he left.

Please review!


	5. Chapter 5

AN:

So, this is the last chapter. It is a longer one, but I didn't want to cut it. Enjoy and please review!

Chapter 5

Mac tried to find a comfortable position in the recliner. He watched Jack and sighed. He couldn't believe, that Jack had kept this secret for so many years. He knew Jack so well. The guilt and pain he must have endured. It broke Macs heart, but on the other side, it gave him hope. Most men would have given in to the guilt and ended their life a long time ago. Not Jack. He was so strong, he never choose the easy way out. „We'll find it Jack. We find the way out of this fucking mess. I'm not giving up on you brother." Mac couldn't stop the tears.

It took another five hours of anxious waiting, until Jack showed signs of waking up. His head was moving a bit and the fingers of the hand, Mac was holding, started to twitch.

Awareness came slowly for Jack. He could hear an annoying beeping and it took him a few minutes to place the sound. A heart monitor, so he was at Phoenix medical. He suddenly remembered the scene at the graveyard. His heart rate shot up, the monitor confirmed it with an alarm tone.

Mac got scared, he sat on the bed beside Jack. He stroke the Deltas face and tried to calm him down. „Easy big guy. You're safe. It's gonna be alright. Can you open your eyes?" Jacks breathing was laboured again. Mac rubbed Jacks arm. „Slow and deep breaths, Jack. Breath with me bud. Like you always do with me, when I'm gasping for air."

Jacks hand searched for his friends. Mac took it and rubbed the back of Jacks hand in comforting circles. Jacks eyelids fluttered. A moment later he was rewarded. Jacks eyes opened and he looked confused at Mac.

„Welcome back Jack. You had me worried for a while, brother." Mac smiled. Jacks vision seemed to clear and he was able to focus on Mac.

„Hey brother," he croaked. „Water"

Mac helped him to drink. „How do you feel?"

„Like shit," Jack offered.

„Well you look like shit," Mac agreed, smiling a little.

„You too," Jack observed his young friend. „You should go home and sleep, Mac. You got a knock on the head." Even in the state he was in, he couldn't help, but worry about Mac.

„I'm fine and I'm not leaving you, until you are ready to go home." The blonde answered determined.

Jack looked down, ashamed and feeling guilty about what he had put Mac through. „I'm sorry Mac. I promise, I won't do it again. I don't know, how you still want to be here, after you've learned what I've done." Guilt was radiating from Jack.

Mac gripped Jacks hand again. „This was not your fault. I know you pulled the trigger and you have to live with it. We both have to live with the knowledge, that we've taken lifes. It's not easy. You have done nothing wrong Jack. It was the war, that killed this boy and so many others. I don't blame you, the same as you don't blame me. You saved so many lifes Jack. You saved me so many times, I've lost count of it. There's a reason you're still here. We all need you so much."

„Thanks Mac, for everything." Jacks eyes closed again. Mac sighed, relieved. He knew Jack had a long way ahead of him, but he would overcome this and Mac would be by his side. Mac turned a little and laid his head on the bed beside his friend. Jack must have sensed it, because he lifted his arm with difficulty and laid it around Macs shoulder, so that Macs head rested on his heart. Both men drew comfort from this position. Jack, because he could hold onto his kid, and Mac could hear Jacks heartbeat, which had comforted him many times before. It didn't take long and they both were asleep.

Matty walked into the room with the doc beside her. They both couldn't suppress a smile. The Doctor stepped to the bed. Jacks eyes opened, he motioned a shush and closed his eyes with a little smile on his face.

„Seems like Jacks doing better," the doc observed after checking the monitor and the IV bags.

„I think, he's gonna be ok. They both are." Matty agreed and they left the room.

Jack was able to leave the hospital five days later. The drug had completely worn off by this time, but he was still pretty weak from the blood loss, his body had suffered. Mac had kept his promise and hadn't left Jacks side, other to shower or get some food. They hadn't talked about the reason for Jacks suicide attempt. They both knew, that this would have to wait until they were somewhere undisturbed.

Now Mac was pushing a wheelchair into the room. Jack looked annoyed: „Are you serious? I don't need that thing!" He looked at the wheelchair with disgust.

„Suit yourself, I'll go and tell the doc, that you want to stay here until you are able to walk the long way to the parking lot all by yourself." Mac turned to leave.

„Ok, you win this time." Jack gave in, grumbling under his breath.

Mac shot him a wide grin. „Good boy," he couldn't resist to tease Jack a bit. He had to admit, he was sick and tired of this room and he understood, that Jack wanted to get out of there.

„Just shut up and push," Jack hated it to be in a wheelchair, even if it was just for the ride to the parking lot. It always felt wrong to sit in there, if you were able to walk.

„Let's get you out of here big guy. I'll take you home to my apartment."

„No! I want to go to my own place. I … I can't … I don't want to be around other people." He added silently.

Mac had already noticed, that Jack seemed uncomfortable, when Matty, Bozer or Riley were visiting him. They had sensed it, too and had made the visits short ones. It had shown Mac how shaken Jack still was from the whole ordeal. He needed time to sort his feelings out and hopefully to talk things through with Mac. The blond agent agreed: „Alright, we go to your apartment, but I have to warn you. I'm gonna move in, until you're back on your feet."

„I'm already back on my feet. I don't need a babysitter." Jack pouted.

Mac shot him a stern glare. „Really, do we have to go through this again? Jack, I don't want to bring it up again, but you leave me no other choice. It wasn't even a week ago, that you tried to end your life. What would you do, if you were in my position?"

Jack remained silent, his head hang low.

Mac acted if Jack had answered. „Yes, exactly. And this is, why I'll stay with you, or I'm gonna turn around and take you back to Phoenix Medical. So what do you want? Go home or stay here?"

„Go home."

„See, that wasn't that hard." Mac tried to sound upbeat, but he was worried. Jack had withdrawn these last days. Mac was pretty sure, that Jack wouldn't attempt another suicide, but he feared that his friend was slipping into depression. He would talk to the rest of the team to give them room. Mac sensed that being with Riley, Bozer and Matty added pressure on Jack.

The Delta knew, he was expected to be the strongest part of the group and he couldn't take this role at the moment. Jack was disappointed at himself, for not being able to fulfil his duty as protector and for failing his kids. He always felt the need to be a role model to them. A source of strength and reliability. How could they look at him ever again without being disgusted? It was probably better to leave them all. Jack couldn't stop his thoughts from going into overdrive. He couldn't sleep and he couldn't get the rest, his body so desperatley demanded. He had feigned sleep, while he was at Phoenix medical, only to get out of talking to Mac. Jack felt bad about deceiving the kid, but he simply wasn't able to face him. Since when had he become such a coward? Jack was torn between his duty to his kids and the need to hide and cry.

The drive to Jacks home was silent. MacGyver was watching his friend closely. He didn't like how pale Jack still was. He looked completely worn out, although he had slept a lot in the last days. Mac just hoped, that Jack would get better, once he was in his familiar surroundings.

When they reached their destination, Mac went to help Jack get out of the car. The Delta ignored the helping hand and fought his way out of the car and up the stairs, that led to his apartment. Jack couldn't believe how weak he still was. The last part of the stairs proved to be too much for his body and Jack collapsed painfully. „Jack!" Mac was at his side in an instant. He softly offered: „Let me help you buddy." Jack just nodded. Mac pulled him up and almost had to drag him into his home. Once inside he guided Jack over to the couch and gently laid him down. The older man couldn't meet his eyes. „Thanks, uh … sorry for being difficult."

Mac grinned: „You know what, big guy. I really start to appreciate, how you put up with me, when I'm injured. If I'm just half as bad as you are, then you deserve a medal."

Jack grinned back: „Half as bad? Kid you are two times worse as me, at least."

„It's good to see you smile again Jack. I really missed that." Bang! That was definitely the wrong thing to say. Jacks smile vanished and the dark expression was back. Mac sighed.

Jack laid his head back and was asleep in moments. The trip home had cost him his last reserves. Mac went into the kitchen to prepare dinner. Jacks sleep wasn't a restful one, he moved around and mumbled incoherent words. Soon he was thrashing and Mac had difficulties to wake him up. He shook the Delta and tried to bring him out of his nightmare. Mac barely avoided a mean right hook, he moved out of the way, but unfortunately took Jack with him and they landed in a heap on the floor.

„What the fuck?" The upside was, that Jack was awake now. „Sorry Jack, I couldn't wake you up. You had a nightmare." Mac apologized.

„And because of that, you decided to push me of the couch?" Jack was grumpy.

Mac sighed and stood up. „Sorry man. Dinner's ready."

Jack only picked at his food. Another issue, Mac was worried about. Jack had visibly lost weight the last week.

Over the next couple days nothing improved. Mac decided, that he would take Jack to his cabin in the woods. At breakfast, he broke the news to Jack which earned him an angry glare.

„I'm not going." He stated.

Mac jumped up and exploded: „Why? Only to stay here and wallow in self pity? Listen bud, that's not going to happen! You're coming with me and you're getting better. We will talk about everything that's bothering you, if you like it or not. I'm not going to stand by and watch you waste away to nothing. Enough is enough. You will eat and you will start training, to get your strength back. I promise to drug you, if you don't come with me voluntarily." Mac regretted being so harsh with Jack and he opened his mouth to apologize, when Jack stood up and said.

„I'm sorry Mac, I know I'm behaving like an asshole right now. It's just so hard to shake this off. Maybe you're right and getting away will help. I have some things to think through."

„Hey, It's alright. I know you're still shaken. While you were out of it, I promised, I'll help you through this and I won't break this promise, like you've never broken one to me. Just give it time Jack. You're body still needs to recover and so does your soul. But it will get better and I'm right beside you brother, to help you along the way."

„Thanks Mac." He reached out for the blonde and pulled him into a hug. Mac saw this as the first step, Jack reaching out to him and not literally pushing him away. He melted into the Deltas hug and almost shuddered as he felt the thin back of his friend. He had lost so much weight, that every vertebrae and rib were protruding from Jacks back.

An hour later they were on their way. Jack nodding of from time to time. He still didn't sleep well, but he wasn't able to stay awake for a long time either. They reached their destination in the early afternoon.

Mac knew, that Jack loved this place. The cabin in the woods with the small lake nearby was a place to retreat, when everything became to much. They often came here, when they felt hollow and burnt out, when they had had mission after mission, with barely time to recover in between.

Jack stumbled on his way to the wooden porch and Mac took him by the elbow to steady him. He took it as a small victory, when he wasn't pushed away. Jack entered the cabin on shaking legs and collapsed on the couch. He shook his head in disgust: „ I still feel as weak as a newborn kitten. That sucks!"

„Just give it time Jack. You'll see, being out here will spark your appetite and once you'll get a few pounds on that skeleton of yours, you'll get stronger very soon."

„Maybe you've missed your calling. If you're running out of ideas in the field, you could work at Phoenix medical as a nurse." Jack smiled.

„Yeah, that would be great. Being the one to do all the pocking and stabbing needles, rather than being the one on the receiving end of all that shit."

Jack yawned and Mac could see the toll, the trip had taken on his friend. „Try to get some rest now. Later we're gonna go to the lake to catch some fish for dinner."

Jack was too tired to argue and so he simply closed his eyes and relaxed into sleep.

The walk to the lake never seemed so long to Jack as today. He had to stop twice to rest for a bit, before he was able to continue. Once at the lake they placed their fishing poles into the water and sat back on the bank. They sat in comfortable silence for a while. Mac had to know.

„Do you still think about … you know … taking your life?" He held his breath as he waited anxiously for the answer.

Jack thought about it for a bit. „No, don't worry about it buddy. I'm not afraid to die, but I won't try again, I promise. Although I must admit, that staying alive feels like a real chore at the moment. Getting up, dressing, eating, even breathing is such an effort. I sometimes feel, like I can't go on." Jack couldn't hold back the tears any longer. „I don't want to die, Mac, but I haven't got the strength to live … I feel like I … don't … deserve it …" he sobbed.

Mac took him in his arms tears running down his face as well: „Hey, ssh it's gonna be ok. We'll get through this together. We'll take one step at a time and it will get better. It will take some time. But no matter how long it takes, I'm in this with you brother. You saved so many lifes and you will save many more. You're precious. You have a gift, Jack. Call it instinct or whatever, but you always make the right decisions, no matter how high the stakes are. I know there can't be always a happy end. Sometimes we can't save everybody, but you always give your best. Always willing even to die to protect others, to fight for what you know is right. You just lost the right angle of view at the moment. Everything is confusing, but it will clear up. You have to promise me one thing though. To never give up. Can you do this for me?"

Jack nodded, he was to overwhelmed to talk. He cried for some time and Mac didn't let go of him, whispering soothing words of comfort. It was a defining moment of their friendship. A moment when nothing mattered, than the love and devotion they felt for each other.

It was getting dark, when they finally made their way back to the cabin. Jack was completely worn out from his breakdown. His legs barely holding him upright, Mac laid Jacks arm around his shoulder, taking most of the weight. By the time they reached the cabin, Jack was dead on his feet. Mac dragged him inside and took him to the bedroom. He eased the Delta gently on the bed. Jacks eyes opened a bit. „Thanks Mac, for everything. I love you buddy." Before Mac could answer, Jack was asleep.

Jack slept the whole night and well into the next day. He awoke, at first confused where he was. Then his memory returned. The lake. The crying. Mac holding him. He couldn't remember how he got back to the cabin. Jack sat up in bed and took in his surroundings. He had been here numerous times before, sometimes relaxing on other occasions recovering from injuries. He always felt at peace in this place. And now? Jack took inventory of his feelings. He felt better. The dark cloud that was towering over him had lifted. Sure, there still was the guilt, he would never get rid of, but it wasn't consuming his soul as it was before. He realized how lucky he was. He had a great family in Mac, Riley, Bozer and Matty. He thought about Mac. The kid was amazing. He didn't give up on Jack, when he himself had given up. Ready to end it all for good. That stubborn little cuss didn't accept Jacks decision. He probably would have followed him to hell and would have dragged his sorry ass back. Jack smiled.

Mac entered the room and saw Jack smiling. „Hey big guy. How are you feeling?"

Jacks smile widened. „It's good to be alive. Thanks for being there for me brother. Especially yesterday. I know I cried like a baby, but I think I needed to get it out. I really feel better now. What's for breakfast? I'm really hungry."

„Your welcome Jack. Breakfast is ready, get your skinny ass out of the bed. We'll start working out today to get you back in Delta shape brother."

Jack sighed. „And I thought I was on vacation here."

„Nope, you have to earn your keep here. The roof needs fixing and there are some other things to do around the house." Mac was so happy. It seemed that Jack had turned the corner.

Little by little Jack got his strength back. He was eating regularly, did the exercises Mac ordered him to do and slept a lot. After a week he was able to stay up all day, with only a short nap after lunch. The paleness was still there, but it was fading. After the second week he was training several hours each day and helping Mac with the neccessary repairs on the cabin. They stayed another week. They talked a lot in the evenings and their friendship reached a new level. They told each other things, they had never imagined, they would ever confide in someone.

Mac had regularly updated Matty and the team about Jacks progress. They would throw a welcome party for them, when they would come back home.

It was their last evening and Mac and Jack sat around a small campfire in the garden. „Are you ready to go home tomorrow?" Mac asked curiously. Jack was doing really good, but from time to time he still struggled with all that had happened over the last weeks.

„Yeah, I think so. I'm a bit uncomfortable thinking of meeting the others. I hope they are not disappointed in me." Jack admitted.

„Jack, nobody is disappointed in you. We're all concerned about you. We are sympathetic about what you went through. Don't mix it up with pity. It's just genuine concern. We are caring about you, the same as you are caring about us." He squeezed Jacks shoulder. „We are happy to have you back."

Jack nodded and took a small package out of his pocket. „I have something for you Mac. I don't need it anymore, but I would be glad, if you would keep it as a reminder of our friendship."

Mac was curious and opened the small box. He immediately recognized the small item. „It belonged to Saif, didn't it?" He ran his fingers over the eagle pendant. The one, he had found in Jacks treasure box several weeks ago.

„Yes, I took it from his body, as a reminder of what a monster I was. Every year at the day of his death, I took a few days off and nearly drank myself to death a couple times. I couldn't bring myself to care, if I survived or not. Can I ask you a favour Mac?"

„Name it."

„Would you … would you spend the next anniversary of his death with me?" Jack asked unsure.

„I wouldn't leave you alone on this day, even if you want me to. No more torturing yourself, got it?"

Jack nodded. „I'll try."

Mac was satisfied. „I'll take good care of this pendant. For you, for me and for Saif."

END

AN:

I know this story didn't attract as many readers as my previous stories. Maybe because of the suicide matters or it isn't simply good enough. Anyway, a big thank you to all the viewers, who stayed with me on the journey. Special thanks to vegas nivel 3 and Floh67 for reviewing every chapter. It means a lot to me. Sorry for the mistakes I've made, but English is not my first language.


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